Not Fair

So, I had a doctor's appointment today. With my orthopedist. Because I'm doing everything that I think I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm still getting back pain - pain which has, by the way, been getting worse.

Yes, I probably lift things that are heavier than I should lift on occasion, but I rarely wear high heels, I've taken to wearing sensible shoes to work and keeping more work-appropriate shoes at my desk, I don't run anymore, I walk, swim, weight train, and do isometric exercises for my back, I have a little freaking orthopedic seat cushion that I keep to make my incredibly uncomfortable desk chair a little more tolerable. I try to take care of myself, and my body keeps telling me to piss off.

So I need to make an appointment with a physical therapist and talk to my doctor again in a month. And I need to try not to get too bitter and overwhelmed and scared that I'll be right back where I was in December 2006, but I'm feeling some familiar pain, and you know what? Right now, it feels like it's not f*cking fair. There are so many people in the world who are perfectly capable of being as active as they want to be, and they do nothing. I want to run and I can't. I want to do a triathlon one day and I can't. I want to go through a full day without pain, and lately, I can't. So there's my pity party. Please help yourself to some hors d'oeuvres.

I know that I don't know anything for certain just yet, so it's far too early to be playing Chicken Little. I am self-aware enough to know that, even if I have re-injured myself, this will not be a tragedy. I will still have the use of my limbs and still, in the grand scheme of life, be a very lucky person for being in generally good health, having access to good medical care, and having a support network of people who love me and can help me if I can ever possibly learn to be good at asking for help. I know this - I really, really know this. So I hope you'll forgive my moments of weakness and self-indulgence when I say that the thought of going through this again just makes me want to cry.