Blocked...

Holy crap - if you want to give me writer's block, just ask me to write a proposal. I've never been good at these things, and this is no exception. This is why I am unlikely to advance beyond a certain level in my company - and honestly, it's okay for now. I have been trying to write six pages *all day long*. I now have 2 1/2, and that's only because of a 1/2 page graphic. If it's technical writing or creative writing, I can do that in my sleep. But here I am, staring at requirements that I have to translate into exciting, sexy-sounding "the Team will..." action statements. And...nothing.

I get that this is absolutely an essential part of business. I really do - and I respect that. All I'm saying is that I am much better positioned to be the person who will do good work that will get you more work, instead of the person who has a BRILLIANT way with persuasive language.

Ah well...a necessary evil, I suppose. I will sleep well tomorrow night, that's for sure.

Irony

So there I was the other day, singing along (loudly) to a fun, pop-y 80s chick tune as I drove home. Then it occurred to me, I was driving my beloved 1997 Hyundai Elantra (which, once again, does not have functioning air conditioning) and singing along to "Material Girl".

Oh, hardly...

Retirement

I think it's been a long time coming, but after four active years, and a couple of less active years due to long-term international travel and other things, I've retired as a hospital advocate for the DC Rape Crisis Center. I think I de facto retired a while ago, becoming less and less active, realizing the extent to which my habit of overextending myself had taken a toll, but officially doing it...that was really hard. I can't fully describe how it makes me feel, but a significant era of my life is over. Not that I can't go back, but walking away from something that's had such a profound effect on my life is...hard. I know it's time, I know it's been time, but letting go feels awful - like I'm abandoning something.

Since March 2003, I've spent countless hours at the hospital in the middle of the night, I've seen some of the most horrible things that people can do to each other, and I've seen people in the most raw and vulnerable state imaginable. I've held the hands of women experiencing every meaning of the word "pain". I've seen strength beyond measure. I've seen the profound impact that treating someone with compassion and basic human dignity can have.

I don't think I'll ever forget what I've seen as an advocate - I know my experiences will always be with me. And I'm grateful every day that there are many, many women who continue to sacrifice their time and energy to be a light for someone else in the darkest time imaginable.

They Shoot Delinquent Bloggers, Don't They?

I know. It's been a while. That's the understatement of the century. To the point where I doubt anyone even checks in here anymore (can't say I blame you - it hasn't exactly been riveting around here). But that's okay - I wrote primarily as an outlet to get what's inside my head outside of my head, anyway.

K and I had a nice weekend, filled with parties for friends and time with family – it was good, and definitely what was needed. (Although I do feel bad that we both seem to ALWAYS fall asleep at my parents’ house.) I feel like we’ve been running around non-stop lately, and it’s not good for either of us, in many respects. I don’t anticipate that it will ever really go away, but I know there has to be a better way to manage it.

We’ve got a garden going again this year, and we just bought materials yesterday to build an enclosure that will, hopefully, keep out whatever has been eating all of our produce in the past. (Little bastards.) One (kind of) funny reminder of the fate of 99% of our strawberries last year are the little strawberry plants that we’re seeing in random places around the yard. So clearly whatever ate all of them stayed around long enough to crap out the seeds and sprout new plants. How considerate! At least it’s organic, right?

Work has been good for me lately – really, really busy, but good. I got a performance award in March and a promotion in April – probably the first one I’ve ever gotten. I mostly got it because I was doing the work required of the position already, and my boss had told me that he would want to promote me anyway. It is nice to feel actually appreciated for all the work I do – I am acutely aware that not everyone gets to feel that way, regardless of how hard they may be working. (Which was absolutely the case with my previous employer.) So I continue to be really happy where I am, and really happy with my decision. I don’t think my current ambitions extend much further up the corporate ladder for now, and I’m comfortable with that. I’m good at what I do. Some day, after K and I have had kids and after they’re older, perhaps – but for now I don’t think I’m willing to make the tradeoffs required. I work hard, but in the grand scheme, I’m not that important. That’s fine. Although I do still find it kind of funny that I’m considered a “subject matter expert”. I mean – it’s true, I know my stuff. So much so that my clients want me to come work for them, which is very flattering. But I guess sometimes I still feel like the 23-year old department assistant at the conservation organization I used to work for, who had to push to do anything that would contribute to my professional growth. Then I look in the mirror, and it’s quite clear that I’m the 33-year old consultant who has worked really hard for the last 10 years. That’s always a surreal experience.

I’m going to be able to transfer to my firm’s Rockville office, and K and will likely move out to that part of the county in the next few years. Having a new car and watching the mileage leap ever higher week after week has made us acutely aware that we spend WAY to much time driving around the Beltway. So, since our church and many, but not all, of our friends are out that way, it just makes sense. Even in our current location, Rockville will be a better commute for me. I’m disturbed sometimes at how suburban my life is becoming, and I’m having a hard time with that. So now I’m just trying to figure out a way for it to make sense for me – whatever that is. I feel like a hypocrite – someone who is indulging in an unsustainable lifestyle for the sake of convenience and becoming more and more a part of the problems I see.

I am very happy to say that my physical therapy worked quite well, and I’m back to running again. Nothing tremendously impressive yet, but I’m almost up to 2 miles, and my back is feeling good. I had been sitting at 1 mile, give or take, for a little while and not budging – or rather, not pushing myself. Telling myself that I couldn’t. So one day, I decided that I was going to do 1.5. And I even put it on Facebook, so you know I really meant it. (Mostly, I just wanted the accountability.) So I did. I thought I was going to die, but I did it – I pushed through the feeling that my lungs were collapsing as someone was stabbing me in the side, and I did it. It wasn’t pretty, but I felt quite a sense of accomplishment. Now, I have friends for whom that’s just their warm-up, so I realize that this isn’t an accomplishment that’s going to change the face of the running world. But I was happy for me.

I kept at 1.5 long enough to feel like I wasn’t going to die, and then started to build from there, some weeks adding on more than others. I’m up to 1.9, and will be very happy to go sailing past 2 in the next week or so. It’s still really, really hard for me. But since I’ve realized that it’s the only time my Inner Critic is nice to me, I keep up with it. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that few other things do. Two days a week for now, out of deference to my back (which has been holding up really well!) and my knee (which is not holding up as well – so more PT for me). I’m working my way up to a 3 – 4 mile maintenance run, 3 – 4 days per week. It could be a while still, but I figure that if I can do what I’m doing and still be feeling good, then I can do that, too. Why not?

In my continuing quest for balance, I’m trying to narrow down the “extracurricular activities” in which I participate. So that has meant actually resigning from a couple areas in church where I’ve been serving for a long time, but where I’m not feeling like I need to be. I’m there because I can do it well, not because it’s something I love. It was a really hard decision, wracked with guilt because I’m a people-pleaser and easily overextend myself. I’m also trying to say no to things that I think will end up being one more thing on my plate that I won’t feel good about. I know that some people are really disappointed in me for this – think that I could be a leader and I’m just not doing it. This is also really hard for me – the feeling of guilt really sucks, feeling as though I’m letting people down. It’s an awful feeling, and it’s very easy for people to pile on the pressure. But the fact is that I’ve spent a lot of time saying “yes” to things that I didn’t really have time for, and I’m realizing just how burned out I am. I’m having a hard time mustering the energy to care about much of anything, and that bothers me because that’s not me. I was feeling like all the things I was doing, I was doing half-assed. And that’s not me, either. So, on the advice of a wise friend, I am taking the summer off from serving on Sunday mornings entirely, and will keep up with my two weekly areas of ministry, youth group and our small group. Once the fall rolls around, I’ll be doing youth services on the Sundays that Special K plays.

This past Sunday was the first day that K was playing and I wasn’t doing anything. So I dropped him off at church, and went to the gym for a nice, long morning swim. I love swimming, and it’s probably been at least 7 or 8 months since I last went. It was hard, because I haven’t gone for so long, but I was patient, got my breathing right again, and made it for a full mile – after thinking I would have to stop at less than a tenth. It was a slow mile, but it was a mile. I felt wonderful. I cleaned up, bought some t-shirts at Target on my way back (because I realized that I’d managed to get rid of almost all of mine in the last year or so, except for workout shirts – no idea how or why, but as the warm weather approaches, I’ve become acutely aware of their absence), and I went to church. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to really experience and enjoy church. It was awesome. I believe that serving and contributing is really important, and I think that most people opting to only show up at church and then go home – as if everything that needs to happen just happens by magic - is why those people who do volunteer get burned out so frequently. I do believe that this hurts our church, as it would hurt any community where more people take than give, so I’m happy to serve. But it was also really, really nice to feel like there was a little more balance to the equation for me. (And of course I helped to tear down and pack up after services.)

So, as much as this summer is already packed for us, I’m feeling happy that I’m making some progress. My brother and his family are coming to visit in a week, and I’m ridiculously excited about it – it’s been a year since we’ve seen them, and I really, really miss them all. I’m sure that I’ll just fall over with shock at how big the kids have gotten. We’re also going to be able to see some old friends that we’ve been trying to schedule a visit with for…well, forever. And as it turns out, after months of “well, that weekend doesn’t work for us, how about 6 months from now?”, J and I will see each other three times this summer – June, July, and August, which I’m really, really happy about. I’m also getting to go visit A in Portland (with J), and M and J are coming to visit from their respective homes in August. Lots and lots of things to celebrate. Life looks pretty different from how it was a year ago – and who knows what it will look like this time next year. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I don’t always know how I ended up where I am, but I know it’s part of a process and a picture bigger than I can see – I just hope I’m following the right signs, because I feel a little lost sometimes.

Buried...

In work. Fortunately, they're hiring another person, but right now I feel like I can't keep up with anything and I'm getting sloppy. This is not good - particularly as my performance review is right around the corner. Urgh. I barely have time to think, let alone write (which is therapeutic for me), exercise (ditto), and spend real quiet time with Special K. It doesn't count if we both happen to be quiet because I'm hooked up to my laptop and incapable of conversing for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm not sure what the difference is - I've been busy before, but maybe I feel more invested now? Maybe I feel as though there's more at stake because I'm still new and have things to prove? I don't know. But my anxiety level is really, really high.

So, to redirect for a second (before I get back to work), here are a few things I'm grateful for:
1 - my second anniversary with Special K is on Monday. Time flies! But it's been good and I couldn't ask for anyone better to go through life with - he sees the crazy in me and hasn't run away yet. Score one for Mandy.
2 -I've been able to see so much of our friends and family lately.
3 - my two kitties who are curled up on the couch next to me, sleeping peacefully as if they just know how incredibly cute they are
4 - I have a job and it's with a good, stable, risk-averse company that I like
5 - Special K and I got a good-sized tax refund this year that will help us meet some goals, and get closer to some others
6 - my latest mammogram eventually came back clear and I got a clean bill of health
7 - I got new running shoes and am working toward getting back on the road
8 - my small group from church is going through a great phase and really feels like it's flourishing
9 - grace
10 - a last-minute work trip to Hawaii at the end of this month - the change of pace will be much appreciated even though I'll only be there for a blink

So there you have it. I'm trying to be aware that there's more to life than work, because I know that's true. I'm also trying out a crazy new thing called boundaries and limits, which will mean cutting back on some things. I fully expect massive guilt to ensue. But I know it will be good.

So Sad

Our dear friends D and K had to say goodbye to their sweet dog Mac this week. He was such a loving, affectionate dog and I'll always remember his penchant for spooning with me whenever we stayed over. I am firmly of the mind that pets are part of the family, and I know I'll be devastated when I have to say goodbye to Milo and Xena (which is why I've instructed them that I expect them to live another 40 years). So I know they're heartbroken, as am I.

All this to say that we'll miss you, Mac.

Work has been…intense lately. To which my husband and any of the friends with whom I’ve had to either decline or cancel plans can attest. Bleah. But at least I’m not concerned about running out of things to do, right? However, the past two days, and my ability to work from home in general, are something that I consider myself fortunate to have. Because I’m getting just as much work done sitting here in my jammies with the cats curled up next to me (it’s freezing, so we’re pooling our body heat), but I feel so much more…relaxed. It’s a delightful feeling. And if Xena weren’t curled up on my legs, I’d probably get up to make myself a nice mug of tea. Later, perhaps.

I’ve been all kinds of introspective lately, which is likely a good thing, in the end. And it’s not just because I did that Facebook “25 Things About Me” note. I jokingly referred to all of this as my mini-existential crisis, but it’s not that far from the truth. I go through periods where I re-evaluate things in my life, where I question whether or not it’s heading in a direction I’m okay with – all of that. So me being me, in all of my Type A, ESFJ-ness, I made a list. I thought about what was really bugging me and wrote it down. I came up with six general things. I then sat down and wrote down what I thought I could do about them. Seriously. And just writing things down and having something in black and white actually made me feel better – because now it’s not this mysterious malaise that I just can’t figure out, it’s an identifiable problem, with identifiable things I can try to work on it.

It’s totally unsurprising to me that I was a science major. I appear to live my life by the scientific method.

Speaking of science, the good folks at Grist made me laugh like an idiot today. And for that, I thank them. They have decided to establish “a regular feature in which Grist's editorial team celebrates -- and carps about! -- notable climate-related steps taken by businesses, politicians, and individuals.” The award for doing good things?

The Green Thumb.

The “award” for doing bad things?

The Angry Polar Bear.

Love them. Absolutely love them. Almost as much as I love hearing the name “President Obama”.