They Shoot Delinquent Bloggers, Don't They?

I know. It's been a while. That's the understatement of the century. To the point where I doubt anyone even checks in here anymore (can't say I blame you - it hasn't exactly been riveting around here). But that's okay - I wrote primarily as an outlet to get what's inside my head outside of my head, anyway.

K and I had a nice weekend, filled with parties for friends and time with family – it was good, and definitely what was needed. (Although I do feel bad that we both seem to ALWAYS fall asleep at my parents’ house.) I feel like we’ve been running around non-stop lately, and it’s not good for either of us, in many respects. I don’t anticipate that it will ever really go away, but I know there has to be a better way to manage it.

We’ve got a garden going again this year, and we just bought materials yesterday to build an enclosure that will, hopefully, keep out whatever has been eating all of our produce in the past. (Little bastards.) One (kind of) funny reminder of the fate of 99% of our strawberries last year are the little strawberry plants that we’re seeing in random places around the yard. So clearly whatever ate all of them stayed around long enough to crap out the seeds and sprout new plants. How considerate! At least it’s organic, right?

Work has been good for me lately – really, really busy, but good. I got a performance award in March and a promotion in April – probably the first one I’ve ever gotten. I mostly got it because I was doing the work required of the position already, and my boss had told me that he would want to promote me anyway. It is nice to feel actually appreciated for all the work I do – I am acutely aware that not everyone gets to feel that way, regardless of how hard they may be working. (Which was absolutely the case with my previous employer.) So I continue to be really happy where I am, and really happy with my decision. I don’t think my current ambitions extend much further up the corporate ladder for now, and I’m comfortable with that. I’m good at what I do. Some day, after K and I have had kids and after they’re older, perhaps – but for now I don’t think I’m willing to make the tradeoffs required. I work hard, but in the grand scheme, I’m not that important. That’s fine. Although I do still find it kind of funny that I’m considered a “subject matter expert”. I mean – it’s true, I know my stuff. So much so that my clients want me to come work for them, which is very flattering. But I guess sometimes I still feel like the 23-year old department assistant at the conservation organization I used to work for, who had to push to do anything that would contribute to my professional growth. Then I look in the mirror, and it’s quite clear that I’m the 33-year old consultant who has worked really hard for the last 10 years. That’s always a surreal experience.

I’m going to be able to transfer to my firm’s Rockville office, and K and will likely move out to that part of the county in the next few years. Having a new car and watching the mileage leap ever higher week after week has made us acutely aware that we spend WAY to much time driving around the Beltway. So, since our church and many, but not all, of our friends are out that way, it just makes sense. Even in our current location, Rockville will be a better commute for me. I’m disturbed sometimes at how suburban my life is becoming, and I’m having a hard time with that. So now I’m just trying to figure out a way for it to make sense for me – whatever that is. I feel like a hypocrite – someone who is indulging in an unsustainable lifestyle for the sake of convenience and becoming more and more a part of the problems I see.

I am very happy to say that my physical therapy worked quite well, and I’m back to running again. Nothing tremendously impressive yet, but I’m almost up to 2 miles, and my back is feeling good. I had been sitting at 1 mile, give or take, for a little while and not budging – or rather, not pushing myself. Telling myself that I couldn’t. So one day, I decided that I was going to do 1.5. And I even put it on Facebook, so you know I really meant it. (Mostly, I just wanted the accountability.) So I did. I thought I was going to die, but I did it – I pushed through the feeling that my lungs were collapsing as someone was stabbing me in the side, and I did it. It wasn’t pretty, but I felt quite a sense of accomplishment. Now, I have friends for whom that’s just their warm-up, so I realize that this isn’t an accomplishment that’s going to change the face of the running world. But I was happy for me.

I kept at 1.5 long enough to feel like I wasn’t going to die, and then started to build from there, some weeks adding on more than others. I’m up to 1.9, and will be very happy to go sailing past 2 in the next week or so. It’s still really, really hard for me. But since I’ve realized that it’s the only time my Inner Critic is nice to me, I keep up with it. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that few other things do. Two days a week for now, out of deference to my back (which has been holding up really well!) and my knee (which is not holding up as well – so more PT for me). I’m working my way up to a 3 – 4 mile maintenance run, 3 – 4 days per week. It could be a while still, but I figure that if I can do what I’m doing and still be feeling good, then I can do that, too. Why not?

In my continuing quest for balance, I’m trying to narrow down the “extracurricular activities” in which I participate. So that has meant actually resigning from a couple areas in church where I’ve been serving for a long time, but where I’m not feeling like I need to be. I’m there because I can do it well, not because it’s something I love. It was a really hard decision, wracked with guilt because I’m a people-pleaser and easily overextend myself. I’m also trying to say no to things that I think will end up being one more thing on my plate that I won’t feel good about. I know that some people are really disappointed in me for this – think that I could be a leader and I’m just not doing it. This is also really hard for me – the feeling of guilt really sucks, feeling as though I’m letting people down. It’s an awful feeling, and it’s very easy for people to pile on the pressure. But the fact is that I’ve spent a lot of time saying “yes” to things that I didn’t really have time for, and I’m realizing just how burned out I am. I’m having a hard time mustering the energy to care about much of anything, and that bothers me because that’s not me. I was feeling like all the things I was doing, I was doing half-assed. And that’s not me, either. So, on the advice of a wise friend, I am taking the summer off from serving on Sunday mornings entirely, and will keep up with my two weekly areas of ministry, youth group and our small group. Once the fall rolls around, I’ll be doing youth services on the Sundays that Special K plays.

This past Sunday was the first day that K was playing and I wasn’t doing anything. So I dropped him off at church, and went to the gym for a nice, long morning swim. I love swimming, and it’s probably been at least 7 or 8 months since I last went. It was hard, because I haven’t gone for so long, but I was patient, got my breathing right again, and made it for a full mile – after thinking I would have to stop at less than a tenth. It was a slow mile, but it was a mile. I felt wonderful. I cleaned up, bought some t-shirts at Target on my way back (because I realized that I’d managed to get rid of almost all of mine in the last year or so, except for workout shirts – no idea how or why, but as the warm weather approaches, I’ve become acutely aware of their absence), and I went to church. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to really experience and enjoy church. It was awesome. I believe that serving and contributing is really important, and I think that most people opting to only show up at church and then go home – as if everything that needs to happen just happens by magic - is why those people who do volunteer get burned out so frequently. I do believe that this hurts our church, as it would hurt any community where more people take than give, so I’m happy to serve. But it was also really, really nice to feel like there was a little more balance to the equation for me. (And of course I helped to tear down and pack up after services.)

So, as much as this summer is already packed for us, I’m feeling happy that I’m making some progress. My brother and his family are coming to visit in a week, and I’m ridiculously excited about it – it’s been a year since we’ve seen them, and I really, really miss them all. I’m sure that I’ll just fall over with shock at how big the kids have gotten. We’re also going to be able to see some old friends that we’ve been trying to schedule a visit with for…well, forever. And as it turns out, after months of “well, that weekend doesn’t work for us, how about 6 months from now?”, J and I will see each other three times this summer – June, July, and August, which I’m really, really happy about. I’m also getting to go visit A in Portland (with J), and M and J are coming to visit from their respective homes in August. Lots and lots of things to celebrate. Life looks pretty different from how it was a year ago – and who knows what it will look like this time next year. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I don’t always know how I ended up where I am, but I know it’s part of a process and a picture bigger than I can see – I just hope I’m following the right signs, because I feel a little lost sometimes.

Buried...

In work. Fortunately, they're hiring another person, but right now I feel like I can't keep up with anything and I'm getting sloppy. This is not good - particularly as my performance review is right around the corner. Urgh. I barely have time to think, let alone write (which is therapeutic for me), exercise (ditto), and spend real quiet time with Special K. It doesn't count if we both happen to be quiet because I'm hooked up to my laptop and incapable of conversing for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm not sure what the difference is - I've been busy before, but maybe I feel more invested now? Maybe I feel as though there's more at stake because I'm still new and have things to prove? I don't know. But my anxiety level is really, really high.

So, to redirect for a second (before I get back to work), here are a few things I'm grateful for:
1 - my second anniversary with Special K is on Monday. Time flies! But it's been good and I couldn't ask for anyone better to go through life with - he sees the crazy in me and hasn't run away yet. Score one for Mandy.
2 -I've been able to see so much of our friends and family lately.
3 - my two kitties who are curled up on the couch next to me, sleeping peacefully as if they just know how incredibly cute they are
4 - I have a job and it's with a good, stable, risk-averse company that I like
5 - Special K and I got a good-sized tax refund this year that will help us meet some goals, and get closer to some others
6 - my latest mammogram eventually came back clear and I got a clean bill of health
7 - I got new running shoes and am working toward getting back on the road
8 - my small group from church is going through a great phase and really feels like it's flourishing
9 - grace
10 - a last-minute work trip to Hawaii at the end of this month - the change of pace will be much appreciated even though I'll only be there for a blink

So there you have it. I'm trying to be aware that there's more to life than work, because I know that's true. I'm also trying out a crazy new thing called boundaries and limits, which will mean cutting back on some things. I fully expect massive guilt to ensue. But I know it will be good.

So Sad

Our dear friends D and K had to say goodbye to their sweet dog Mac this week. He was such a loving, affectionate dog and I'll always remember his penchant for spooning with me whenever we stayed over. I am firmly of the mind that pets are part of the family, and I know I'll be devastated when I have to say goodbye to Milo and Xena (which is why I've instructed them that I expect them to live another 40 years). So I know they're heartbroken, as am I.

All this to say that we'll miss you, Mac.

Work has been…intense lately. To which my husband and any of the friends with whom I’ve had to either decline or cancel plans can attest. Bleah. But at least I’m not concerned about running out of things to do, right? However, the past two days, and my ability to work from home in general, are something that I consider myself fortunate to have. Because I’m getting just as much work done sitting here in my jammies with the cats curled up next to me (it’s freezing, so we’re pooling our body heat), but I feel so much more…relaxed. It’s a delightful feeling. And if Xena weren’t curled up on my legs, I’d probably get up to make myself a nice mug of tea. Later, perhaps.

I’ve been all kinds of introspective lately, which is likely a good thing, in the end. And it’s not just because I did that Facebook “25 Things About Me” note. I jokingly referred to all of this as my mini-existential crisis, but it’s not that far from the truth. I go through periods where I re-evaluate things in my life, where I question whether or not it’s heading in a direction I’m okay with – all of that. So me being me, in all of my Type A, ESFJ-ness, I made a list. I thought about what was really bugging me and wrote it down. I came up with six general things. I then sat down and wrote down what I thought I could do about them. Seriously. And just writing things down and having something in black and white actually made me feel better – because now it’s not this mysterious malaise that I just can’t figure out, it’s an identifiable problem, with identifiable things I can try to work on it.

It’s totally unsurprising to me that I was a science major. I appear to live my life by the scientific method.

Speaking of science, the good folks at Grist made me laugh like an idiot today. And for that, I thank them. They have decided to establish “a regular feature in which Grist's editorial team celebrates -- and carps about! -- notable climate-related steps taken by businesses, politicians, and individuals.” The award for doing good things?

The Green Thumb.

The “award” for doing bad things?

The Angry Polar Bear.

Love them. Absolutely love them. Almost as much as I love hearing the name “President Obama”.

Reflections, Bastard People, and the Year to Come…

It’s that time of year again – the time where you look back on the year that has passed, look forward to the one ahead, and think about where you’d like to land at the end of it.

Special K and I have had a good year – a busy year, but a good year. We’ve been lucky enough to spend lots of time with family and friends, to leave the metro area a few times (okay – I left more than a few times, but work travel doesn’t really count, especially since the trips were of such short duration), and have enjoyed every minute of it. We really are so incredibly lucky, both as individuals and as a couple, to be surrounded by the people in our lives.
I’m starting 2009 with both a different name and a different job than the ones with which I started 2008 – that’s a mind-boggling change right there. Work has become very, very busy for me, which is good in that they must like my work, and trust my judgment and abilities, but it’s bad in that all the things that you think would come along with 60+ hour weeks are coming along when I have those weeks. It’s got more to do with the particular project on which I’m working than anything else, and my efforts aren’t going unnoticed (unlike at my last place of employment), but the toll on my health and relationships is much the same. I feel exhausted most of the time, and my inability to stay awake on the occasions where I get to actually sit still has become a running joke.

I’m hoping that it will slow down, because it has forced me to cancel plans on occasion, working through the occasional weekend, and I often resent the heck out of it. I’m also less efficient since I’m tired, so that’s not helping things, either. C’est la vie, I suppose. I have a feeling it will pay off in one respect, but I still need to work harder on a better balance. As always, it seems.

Our main goals for 2009 are health-related and financially-related. We both want to be healthier, which means dropping some weight. Which means better eating and more exercising. It also likely means less eating out (which will actually coincide well with our second major goal). We both know what we need to do, and have both been healthier than we are now in life, so it’s not that we’re flying blind. It’s that our priorities and our reality don’t always line up. But my back does feel better, and I know I need to budget for new running shoes soon. Things are moving in a positive direction.

We’re still dealing with debt, although we’ve gotten over one major hurdle so far after a lot of hard work and persistence, and will continue to pay it off as fast as we can. In light of this, we’re making hard choices, like possibly giving up things we want to do because our list of things we have to do is longer and takes precedence. We’re saving up for a down payment on a new car since both of ours are living on borrowed time, and we’re already facing a summer sans air conditioning in either car. Doesn’t seem like a big deal when it’s 30 degrees outside, but it will start to suck as the temperatures head higher. But at the same time, as a wise friend put it, saying “we’re going to go through a phase where things suck now so that they will be good in 5 years” will drive you crazy long before you reach that fifth year. So this, too, is about balance. Always balance.

But here’s a funny. We just managed to pay off our worst credit card, a Chase Mastercard, this past month. It was a long, long road. Right before Special K and I got married, he got nailed with a big tax bill. Big. As in “oh, holy crap, how on earth are we going to pay this?” big. So, I used a low-APR balance transfer check to transfer the balance to my Chase card, which had an existing balance at the time. Now, a common condition of these arrangements is that all of your monthly payments go to the transferred balance until it is paid in full. Okay.

They then jacked up the APR on my existing balance to 29.99%. So it got to just sit there and accrue this obscene level of interest, while we tried to pay off the transferred balance.

I called and complained. They refused to lower the APR, said that my APR has been increased, essentially, because I used my card. They did say, however, that if I was a really good girl, and made all my payments on time for a year, they would lower it by one point. I had never missed a payment in 9 years. I had never even been late with a payment in 9 years.

They are bastard people.

So we worked really hard, used all available “extra” money toward debt (hello, stimulus check…goodbye stimulus check…hello, insurance settlement…goodbye insurance settlement), and managed to get that stupid balance transfer paid off.

In one year, the existing balance had accrued more than $3,000 in interest.

I got a letter from Chase saying that they noticed I’d made large payments to my card, and they hoped they weren’t losing me as a customer. They included some balance transfer checks for my convenience. I laughed. A lot.

We continued to put every “extra” cent toward it, and the card is now paid off. When I called them to change my name (although I don’t use the card, have no plans to use the card, I still thought I should update my information with them), the nice lady from customer service noted, with great concern, that I had accrued a lot of finance charges over the last year. She then began to tell me about a service they offer, for a modest fee, that would allow me to waive my minimums in the event of a job loss, health emergency, etc. She was just so earnest.

So I cut her off as politely as possible, since my blood had started to boil. I crisply informed her that I had actually done a balance transfer in March, 2007, and that they had raised my APR to 30% since I'd had the unmitigated gall to use my card, and refused to lower it. I hadn’t lost my job, I hadn’t had a health emergency, and had, actually, in no way been irresponsible or casual about my payment obligations. So while I appreciated her time, I found it highly entertaining that they were now trying to sell me a product to help me fix a problem that they had created for me.

She transferred me to someone to talk about lowering my APR. Who lowered it to 17.99%. Oh, they have a good sense of humor over there.

So we are continuing to work at our goals, with that major hurdle out of the way I believe that things will move faster, but it will still necessitate some un-fun choices because while we’re closer to our goal, we’re not there yet. This is hard and it’s taking a long time, but we’re grownups and we have to act like it – which means that we have to work for what we want.

I don’t know what’s ahead, but it’s probably more fun that way. The last few years have certainly brought surprises that I couldn’t have foreseen. Special K and I have been talking more about what we want our future to look like, and not just in those “someday” terms, which is interesting and a little scary. But they say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. We’ll see.

Happy New Year to all!

The Night Shift

For all two of you still reading, you may have noticed that my writing has dropped off significantly in the last month. This is because of work. Work has been, to use the technical term, completely making me its bitch. These days it's typical for me to get closer to 4 hours of sleep (if that) than 8, most of which come in the form of naps I take on the couch to give myself enough energy to keep going. I know I've hit diminishing returns, but I can't really stop because the project that is responsible for all of this nocturnal (and diurnal) quality time with my laptop just has some extremely aggressive deadlines. Mercifully, that means that it should be of relatively short duration, since there is no wiggle room on our end date. Once I get through the end of January, the major pieces will be done and I can coast a little.

The only really good thing that I can see at present is that it gives me lots of quality time with the kitties, who are currently both curled up against me, rumbling contentedly. But much as his snoring can keep me up, I'd much rather be curled up against Special K, with whom I've been cranky and irritable because I'm totally freaking exhausted and feeling tons of pressure.

Really, I don't know what I like most about this. Falling asleep on my drive to work, stress eating, the persistent pain in my back and hips, or that strung-out feeling that comes with prolonged sleep deprivation. As I've told him before, Special K had better buckle up when we have kids, because I see all of those things coming into play at that time, too.

So there you have it. Since I'm so tired that it's difficult to concentrate, yet I have to get some things done for tomorrow, this is what happens when I need my brain to refresh. I write crap in the middle of the night. Enjoy.

Lemon Bars

Driving to a party the other day, I was partaking of a delicious lemon bar, because it's that time of year and the baked goods are plentiful. And tasty.

Special K looked over at me and started laughing because, as he pointed out, I had managed to get powdered sugar all down the front of my black jacket and onto my lap.

"Honey, you're going to have to clean yourself up - it looks like you just got into a fight with the Pilsbury Dough Boy"

In response, I delicately extended my middle finger in a loving gesture of disagreement with his assessment. This only made him laugh harder as he managed to get out the words:

"No, no. It's okay, it looks like you totally kicked his ass."