Fickle

Well, it came about somewhat suddenly today, but Special K and I have decided not to get a new car after all. I drew up two spreadsheets charting our debt pay-down schedule, and…well, even though it was only five months faster if we didn’t have a car payment, it just seemed like it didn’t feel right. We could afford it, but as I had said before, it would slow us down. The question then became, did we want to make that sacrifice? I realized that I think I had been wanting a resolution more than caring about the particular resolution chosen. But that when I really thought about it, I didn’t want to take on more debt, even if it means taking a big chance that Whitey will hold on for another couple of years. K told me he’d been thinking the same thing. Then he asked me if I was happy with the decision.

I think he’s sorry he asked.

No, I’m not happy, I feel as though our options kind of suck right now. I have no confidence that his car won’t continue to be a money pit. My car needs new brake pads, and possibly something done with the alignment. I want to not be wondering when, instead of if, we’ll have to throw more money at the same stupid problem. But at the same time, if we got a new car we’d essentially be buying it with no money down and taking out a good-sized loan, even for a modestly-priced car. Which means that we’d be upside down on the loan basically by the time we got the car home. The thought of that kind of made me sick to think about. Heck – even if we got a used car, it would be practically the same situation.

So, for the moment, I’m really freaking discouraged. It feels like it’s two steps forward, one step back, again, and you know what? I want all three freaking steps to go forward for a little while, dammit. I’ve been very moody lately and probably not very nice, and I know this stress has been a big part of it. And then I feel bad for being that way, and just want to curl up into a little ball and go to sleep. I know that there are rewards, lots of them, to doing the hard work we’re doing now to get to a more financially stable position. I know we’re really fortunate. Things will loosen up a little eventually. But right now we’re not there. In fact, we have a ways to go. And I’m frustrated and impatient and feeling like instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel just keeps getting longer.

However, I feel like our decision is the lesser of two evils, so that’s something. Getting Whitey fixed won’t cost $19K plus taxes, tags, and delivery fees. I know this is probably the smarter thing to do, even though I won’t get that boost to peace of mind I’d hoped for. I’m just tired and in a funk. It will pass.

On a funnier note, we came home tonight, and as I was putting my bags down I heard Special K exclaim something, and rush out into the backyard. Now, I won’t tell you exactly what he said because it’s not a very nice saying…but…um… it rhymed with “brother clucker”. He had seen one of the culprits, you see. A fat little squirrel that is one of many reasons why we haven’t had a single strawberry off our plants all summer, despite their prodigious attempts to produce fruit. He ran the offender off, but I have a feeling that he wasn’t working alone – so I don’t know if he made any lasting impact. But it did make him feel better, so that was good.

I’m off to bed. I will be going swimming with a girlfriend in the morning, or attempting to. It’s foolishly close to midnight, and I seemed determined to constantly deprive myself of sleep. If only I weren’t a night person with a morning person’s schedule.