Are We Having Fun Yet?

I've been thinking about that lately. And the answer is "no".

To clarify - it's not that there are no areas of my life that are fun. Special K and I have gone through a rough period with the stress of almost six months of unemployment, but I think we've managed to communicate better, get to know each other better, and generally survive in a way that's been healthy. (Not that it's been easy.) I'm also very blessed to have great friends and family - I'm a very, very fortunate person in so many ways. This is not about that.

It really centers on work. I like a lot of things about my job. My boss is great - very supportive and understanding. I have a lot of great co-workers. But I am still dissatisfied with the substance of what I'm doing sometimes, and while I do feel that I am paid well and have very little to complain about in that sense, I am burned out from working seemingly endless hours for the privilege of being told that I suck on a semi-regular basis -it's demoralizing after a while, and I'm a pretty resilient person. I also can't shake the feeling that the work I'm doing doesn't actually make a positive difference in the world. I feel like I've drifted, like when you get caught in a current and have no idea how the hell you got to be so far from the shore - I'm no longer the tree-hugger that I used to be. Well, I am, but I'm a tree-hugger in consultant's clothing. So, what do I do about that?

Well, it should start with a broader question - what am I good at?

I think I can start to answer this question without feeling like an arrogant jackass, because I'm at the point in my life and my career where I can say that I'm good at some things without feeling like it's not really true or it's considered "bragging" (what am I, in fifth grade?). So here we go: I am good at public speaking. I am good at teaching. I am good at taking complex concepts and breaking them down for people. And I still have, and will always have, a passion for the environment and social justice issues. Primarily the environment, as I feel that the ripple effect of either a healthy or a degraded natural environment impacts social justice issues tremendously.

So what's the problem? Well, the problem is that, because I've spent most of the last eight years as a consultant, with the last 5 spent on environmental compliance issues, I am, apparently, no longer qualified to work in conservation. (To say nothing of the fact that I couldn't take a 50% pay cut.) This is what I mean when I say that I've drifted. I have no idea how to swim back to where I should be. I know that I know this stuff - I know that I would be great at so many of the jobs I see posted. But I also know that no one is going to even look at my resume, much less put it at the top of the pile, because it doesn't say what they want it to say.

So, what's my solution? Well, I don't really know yet. I wish I had a better answer, but I don't. There are a lot of questions here - more questions than I have answers to.