Reflecting

I realize that anyone who doesn’t know me, and even a few people who do know me, would be inclined to think that I’m some kind of manic-depressive freak from reading recent posts. I also realize that the ones where I’m posting cool pictures and/or at least cracking jokes, assuming anyone besides me thinks I’m funny, are a lot more interesting to read. Now, it’s true that I can be moody, but I think my recent imitation of a rollercoaster has even my college years beat for rapid succession of highs and lows. I would love to be one of those “throw myself into my job and forget about life” people, but I’m not – first of all, if I’m working all the time, as we’ve seen this past week or two, I get run down, my productivity starts to wane, the quality of my work starts to suck, and generally it’s not sustainable. Plus, if I were one of those people, I wouldn’t mind not having slept in my own bed for more than two consecutive weeks since September.

I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason. I call it “God has a plan”, others call it fate, kismet, destiny, whatever. Toh-may-toe, toh-mah-toe. So, since this past year, and particularly these past few months, has been filled with a lot of ups and downs and tons of time inside my head, I really wonder what this is all supposed to be heading toward. One thing that comes to mind – I need to be better at standing by my limits, even if the consequences might be scary. (Like telling my boss that I will not stay here longer than I’ve already agreed to, regardless of a contract extension. That is a SCARY conversation to have, but I think it might be due.) Another thing – realizing that I’m finally rooted somewhere. We moved around a good bit during my childhood. Not Army Brat kind of moving around, but every few years until I was 9. After that, I kept switching schools and moving around myself as an adult, joking (mostly) that I have a pathological need for change. So, it never really occurred to me that I’d be in a place where I wanted to stay for…well, if not forever, for a very long time, because I typically start getting restless after a year or two.

But being away has made me realize that DC is definitely home, which may not seem like a very significant revelation, but it’s a big deal for me, and a really nice feeling. I’d say lastly, something I’ve gained by all this – finding out who my friends really are. For reasons unknown to me, when I started traveling, there are some people who just fell away. I try really hard, really hard, to keep in touch with the people in my life, and I'm very lucky that most of them make it easy. So, maybe the lesson is that I need to let go of the people that don’t want to hold onto me? I’m not talking about someone who might not have the time to write every week or two or something – everyone is busy and has their own lives and their own stuff going on. I’m talking about the people I don’t hear from at all. I’ve been really blessed to have a lot of great friends in my life, so the number isn’t too big. But in the past, it’s taken people stealing things from my home to make me think “hey…maybe my friendship with so-and-so isn’t a healthy one.” Maybe I need to reevaluate my criteria. (Seriously – old friend from college. Turns out our “friendship” was based on me making her feel better about herself. Once I outgrew what felt like a very long awkward stage, I didn’t serve that purpose as well. Then she stole some stuff from me. Needless to say, we don’t keep in touch. I can’t afford it.)

I mean, come on. Sheep learn faster than me.

So, that’s my philosophical take on all this. And maybe I’ll decide that I can stand the idea of a few more weeks here in the end – all the while completely ruling out even the teeniest, tiniest possibility that I’ll spend my birthday here. Who knows. I do surprise myself from time to time, and I know myself well enough to know that my first reaction is seldom the one I end up with. I need time to think something through before I can really deal with it and say what I want to say – which is why I don’t like to talk about things that are upsetting to me while I’m still upset, I’m still too vulnerable and emotional at that point. (Better to know this about myself than to run around like a bull in a china shop, right? My way, I’m more like a bull on a leash in a china shop… actually, I don’t like where this analogy is going.)

I went running tonight – I’m still down from what used to be a “maintenance” run for me, but it’s getting better. Besides, I keep forgetting that I’m actually at quite a high altitude (I think we’re at about 1400 meters above sea level here), and that makes a difference. In any case, I was right (mostly) – exhausting myself physically while damaging my hearing with the help of the Foo Fighters helped to calm my head down a bit. I’ve got my entire Eddie Izzard arsenal with me – I think it’s time to watch some of it and get a good laugh. But not tonight – it’s almost midnight. And I’m still working. After all, the faster I get it done, the faster I can be done.