Given the maelstrom of negative political ads that are dominating the airwaves and nauseating the voting public from coast to coast, I thought this gem from McSweeney’s might be appreciated. (However, I will hop up onto my soapbox for just a second and say that it is really important to have your voice heard – please go out and vote tomorrow! There are lots of sources out there where you can read up on the issues and make an informed decision, regardless of incessant phone calls and finger-pointing ads.)
Back to the funny:
THE RACE
FOR JUNIOR-CLASS
VICE PRESIDENT
GOES NEGATIVE.
BY MICHAEL WARD
- - - -
The video opens with a candidate leaning against a table in a classroom and speaking into the camera:
I'm Dan Lettich, and I approved this message. There's only one candidate for junior-class vice president who has actual experience working in student government. My opponent Mary Zwerdling claimed in the last debate that she worked on student government freshman year, but the fact is, there is no record of it. Even our school newspaper, the Weekly Warrior, could not find evidence of her doing anything related to student government freshman or sophomore year other than making brownies for a bake sale. Next time you see Mary in the hall, ask her to start telling the truth about her record.
- - - -
The video opens with a grainy yearbook picture of Dan on a black background and ominous music playing:
There goes Dan Lettich again, distorting the facts and going negative. Maybe it's because he has such a troubling record. Freshman year, Dan spent three days in detention for spitball-related incidents and one day in detention for slapping a female student on the behind. Mary Zwerdling, on the other hand, has always been a student who does what's right. She has never had detention, and she won the award for the student with the best attendance record freshman year. That's the kind of integrity and dedication we need. Not bad behavior and negative attacks.
I'm Mary Zwerdling, and I approved this message.
- - - -
The video opens on a handwritten note with several sentences highlighted and the same sentences in printed text on the screen below it:
It seems that Mary Zwerdling has been paying attention to more than just trigonometry in third period. In a top-secret note that Mary recently attempted to pass to another student in the class, she wrote, "Adam Toll gave me a hickey the other day. He's so cute, but I don't know if I like him like him, or if I just like him." Mary Zwerdling gets a hickey and then can't decide whether she likes the guy who gave it to her? Is this the kind of indecisiveness we want in our junior-class vice president? Dan Lettich has been dating his girlfriend for four whole months. That's the kind of decisiveness and stability we need in a leader.
I'm Dan Lettich, and I approved this message.
- - - -
The video opens with a panning shot across cheering teens in the stands next to a football field and continues panning as if searching for someone throughout the voice-over:
Where was Dan Lettich at the big game against the Wildcats last week? The entire school was there to cheer on our Warriors in their glorious triumph. But where was Dan? Did he have something better to do? If only that were the case. The fact is that Dan was grounded for taking his parents' car and driving it to a friend's house the night before, even though he only has a learner's permit. He breaks the law, violates his parents' trust, and doesn't come to the biggest game of the year. And now he wants to be our vice president? Tell him no way. You're voting for Mary instead.
I'm Mary Zwerdling, and I approved this message.
- - - -
The video opens with a boy in goggles standing in front of some beakers and a lit Bunsen burner:
Hey, I'm Jason Goldberg. Are you as burned out as I am with the constant attack ads that Mary and Dan keep firing back and forth? Sure, I may not be as cool or as popular as either of them, and I may not be head of any teams or clubs, but I'm a regular guy, just like you. And I want to light a fire under our student government to make sure our prom is the hottest prom in the county. So forget about Mary and Dan. Together, we can spark the kind of change the junior class really needs. I'm Jason Goldberg, and I approved this message.
