And Now I Know

So, I was looking at my physical therapy prescription yesterday, and saw under diagnosis "DDD - l-spine", and I thought, "hey - I wonder what that is?" Because it would be kind of inappropriate for my doctor to make a guess about my bra size, after all.

And then I realized that it stands for degenerative disc disease. Which is something that happens normally as your body ages, I'm just...well, I think I'm just an overachiever, because I'm far too young for this to be happening - by about 20+ years. (Not that it doesn't happen to people my age, it just doesn't normally happen to people my age.) So I'm processing what this means, what it's going to mean in the future, and all that. Honestly, it doesn't change anything, it just gives it a crappy name. I do worry about what a far-off pregnancy will do to my body, since my spine is already older and weaker than I am. I do worry about whether or not my physical abilities will continue to decline as I get older. But I know that worrying isn't going to do anything, so I need to figure out what's going to make it better. Perhaps it just makes the case for budgeting for Pilates classes or anything that will help strengthen my core. Perhaps it continues to make the case for losing those last 20 pounds that seem to be holding onto my ass for dear life. (Already working on that last part.)

So that's life. Or at least, that's my life. I'll be fine, I just need to let myself think about how it sucks for a little while, and then I'll move on. I respond well to a plan of action, so hopefully PT will give me that.

Not Fair

So, I had a doctor's appointment today. With my orthopedist. Because I'm doing everything that I think I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm still getting back pain - pain which has, by the way, been getting worse.

Yes, I probably lift things that are heavier than I should lift on occasion, but I rarely wear high heels, I've taken to wearing sensible shoes to work and keeping more work-appropriate shoes at my desk, I don't run anymore, I walk, swim, weight train, and do isometric exercises for my back, I have a little freaking orthopedic seat cushion that I keep to make my incredibly uncomfortable desk chair a little more tolerable. I try to take care of myself, and my body keeps telling me to piss off.

So I need to make an appointment with a physical therapist and talk to my doctor again in a month. And I need to try not to get too bitter and overwhelmed and scared that I'll be right back where I was in December 2006, but I'm feeling some familiar pain, and you know what? Right now, it feels like it's not f*cking fair. There are so many people in the world who are perfectly capable of being as active as they want to be, and they do nothing. I want to run and I can't. I want to do a triathlon one day and I can't. I want to go through a full day without pain, and lately, I can't. So there's my pity party. Please help yourself to some hors d'oeuvres.

I know that I don't know anything for certain just yet, so it's far too early to be playing Chicken Little. I am self-aware enough to know that, even if I have re-injured myself, this will not be a tragedy. I will still have the use of my limbs and still, in the grand scheme of life, be a very lucky person for being in generally good health, having access to good medical care, and having a support network of people who love me and can help me if I can ever possibly learn to be good at asking for help. I know this - I really, really know this. So I hope you'll forgive my moments of weakness and self-indulgence when I say that the thought of going through this again just makes me want to cry.