So, What's the Hold Up?

I have ideas about what I’d like my life to look like – not necessarily in terms of aesthetics, but in terms of how I would like to spend my time. Special K and I don’t watch much TV anymore since we don’t have cable, so we mostly just watch what we order on Netflix. I actually really like this because, as much as I miss some of the cool programs on the Travel Channel or the Food Network, it means that we get to see movies that I would otherwise be too lazy to see. So we’ve seen some great classic movies, foreign films, and documentaries, in addition to the fun popcorn movies like Transformers. But I seldom get around to reading anymore, which used to be the best part about my Metro-based commute. I’m trying to squeeze it in, but it’s harder.

I’d like to spend more time volunteering with the Rape Crisis Center, but I’ve been completely half-assed about it for a while now – it always seemed like there was some life transition or other that was taking over my ability to concentrate and devote that bit of extra time. Being briefly incapacitated by a back injury, getting married, having the summer from Hell with family health problems, money stress, and a jam-packed schedule, having said schedule continue well into the fall and winter, and now – starting a new job. I’ve taken shifts, but I don’t think I’ve been to supervision at the center for years, it feels like something is always happening. Right now the only thing I volunteer my time to is church, and while Special K and I do invest a good part of our time into supporting the church and church activities, I’d like to do more.

I’d like to take better care of myself, because I know I’m not doing a good enough job. Exercise is always the first thing to get chucked and it really should be the last, because it provides such huge mental and physical benefits. But it falls by the wayside in the face of deadlines, commitments, 2 – 3 hour commutes, and early appointments.

I used to be really good about remembering birthdays and other special days, and it feels like I haven’t been for a long time. I’m making more of an effort to be good about that again, and I’m also making an effort to be better about things like thank you notes and sending cards and stuff. I know I appreciate it when others are thoughtful, so that kind of seems like a good cue to attempt to be thoughtful myself.

But I just feel like I have no time to do all this. Which is ridiculous, because I have the same number of hours given to me in a day as everyone else. So when I get home and the pile of ironing is no smaller than it was yesterday, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, there’s more laundry to do, and I’ve neither read for pleasure, nor donated some time to a worthy cause, nor spent any time exercising, I just start to feel as though I’m a failure for not being able to live my life the way I want to live it. There is a part of me that says that I need to chill out; that I spent the majority of my 20s overextending myself because of a pathological need to stay busy and feel needed. But it just feels like other people are able to do all these things, so why can’t I? And furthermore, what on earth is going to happen when we have kids? I can only imagine the chaos will multiply.

Post-feminist guilt, perhaps? And I do it to myself – I know that Special K doesn’t expect me to do all this stuff by myself, because he sees us as having a partnership. I do, too – but I still have this weird feeling like I should be able to do all those things and hold down my full-time, demanding job, because I see other people who can. But it actually turns out that most of those people have a maid service or never cook or are in some other way human. So maybe no one can really do all of it; not for a sustained period of time, anyway.

Ah…the things I never thought I’d care about.