So, You Know What Sucks?

It turns out that I have two crushed/severely compressed discs in my lower back that are pinching things because they’re bulging pretty far out from my spinal column.

This would explain the extreme pain that I’ve been in that has been worsening over the last few days. I generally have a pretty good pain tolerance, but this has had me writhing on the floor, crying uncontrollably on more than one occasion, so it’s been pretty intense. I had to get an MRI yesterday, and I had to sit bolt upright in a chair to get it. Well, it’s been harder and harder to get comfortable lately, and moving into this position actually made me yell involuntarily. And again with the crying. For those of you who don’t know me, or don’t know me very well, I *hate* crying. And I really hate crying in front of all but those who are closest to me, and even then I’m not a fan. But I have never felt anything like I’ve been experiencing these past few days in my life. However, my choices were to sit still and get the MRI done then, or to have it done later when I’d likely still be hurting. So I asked the nurse to give me a few minutes to adjust, since it felt like someone was stabbing me down the back of my leg, and then I sat there with Special K, perfectly still, for 40 minutes feeling like my back and legs were on fire the whole time. This took a lot of concentration. Fortunately, they show movies now while you’re doing this, so I had a distraction.

I don’t like painkillers. They make me feel loopy and out of it and I avoid them if at all possible. But I’ve come to realize that, right now, it’s just not possible. I went to see my orthopedist yesterday, and he tested my reflexes. The pain has moved primarily to my right leg, and the reflexes with both of my knees were relatively equivalent. Then he got to my feet. Nothing at all on the right side. Zip. Zilch. Zero. This is how hard my sciatic nerve is being pinched. Which explains why, when asked to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I was conservative and circled the number 9. The upshot of all of these things is that I’m not allowed to sit until he says so, which means no going into the office (I’m going to try to work from home), I’m on some heavy-duty anti-inflammatory drugs, I’m on heavy doses of painkillers, and in order to make the flight to Texas to see my brother and his family for Christmas, I have to get an epidural injection on Friday morning, meaning that they’ll inject more anti-inflammatories directly into my spinal column.

My orthopedist actually said that he didn’t think I’d make it to Texas, but I haven’t seen my brother and his family since August, and I’ve never spent Christmas without my parents before, so the thought of missing Christmas with them would have been more depressing than I could have articulated at the time. (It might have involved more crying, though.) Hence the idea of the epidural. Now, I know that married life will inevitably mean that I’ll have a Christmas without my parents in my future, because married life for my brother has meant that we occasionally miss Christmas with them when they are spending it with my sister-in-law’s family, and that’s fine. However, for my first time, I’d want to mentally prepare for it a bit. I know I wouldn’t be alone alone, because Special K and his family will be here, but still…I’d be very sad not to wake up and tear through presents with my nephews and the rest of my family.

Through all of this, Special K has been absolutely wonderful and patient and just every good thing. I am so very lucky to have him in my life, and I have already apologized for anything I may say or do during labor and childbirth if the past few days are any indication of the effects of constant pain on my mood.

Everyone at work has been really cool about this, but I have to admit to having no small amount of stress, thinking about everything I have to get done. But I know that being on my feet more often than not over the last few days has probably made this worse, so I have to take it seriously. I’m just very bad at dealing with things involving physical weakness, or an inability to do things that I would do in normal daily life. I asked my doctor about physical therapy, and whether or not I could go swimming, and he stared at me for a second as if I was crazy before saying “um…we’re not talking about physical therapy or anything else until we get this inflammation taken care of.” So that’s the deal with that.

I have a feeling that it will be a very long time before I can go running again, if ever, which is really disappointing. But I’m not going to rule anything out just yet. And if I have to rule out running, then at least I can still swim (hooray for non-impact sports!).

Last night, I spent time with my three best friends from forever, AS, Brunette, and Miss M, and we had our Christmas gathering. We’ve known each other since high school, and being with them is like being home – it’s so easy to spend time with them, and although our friendship has a lot of history, it’s still very much based on who we are now, not just who we were. Another one of the reasons that I know I’m a very lucky person.

So, as I sit here, trying not to move too much and realizing just how important sitting is for a lot of activities, I’m grateful for so many things – for the people I have in my life, for the support I have, for knowing that there’s a real reason that I’ve been so miserable for the last several days, for my ability to get medical care when I need it, and for the fact that I am finally able to get comfortable, even though I have to be on painkillers and steroids to do it. I have no idea how I did this to myself, but I look forward to figuring out how to fix it. And right now, I think I feel a nap coming on.